What happened to Katie?

I never thought that I had to write a post like this, but I recently had some comments about the absence of Katie in my pictures, so I want to address it and move on.

Katie left us when Finn was three months old, although emotionally she had left us way before then.

When I was 37 weeks pregnant, she went on a "solo" trip to Hawaii. A few days after her return I found out that she had gone with another woman and not only hid it from me, but also lied to me about it, when I asked her directly if she had gone with someone. Finding out was most horrible day of my life and three days later, I had Finn. I believe that the stress of what had happened put me into labor.

A lot of awful things happened since and a lot of time has passed, but to sum it up, she decided to move out at the end of October and has since served me with divorce papers, which was probably the second host horrendous day of my life, due to the way I had to find out that she filed for divorce. She ultimately decided that she wanted more autonomy and not be a mom 7 days a week, I was told that we should've never had gotten married and never had children, that I had pressured her into having these kids. 

My world has fallen apart and the life I thought I had and was going to have in the future was crushed. The last year has been so hard for me, dealing with everything that has been going on, suffering from post partum depression, having a newborn to take care of myself...it has been quite the shit show. 

But you know what? There was no time for me to crumble down and feel sorry for myself...although there were definitely moments where I allowed myself to do just that. I had two precious boys to take care of and protect, I had to keep my business running and figure out what the hell I want to do...I'm still trying to figure that out.
The boys were the life jacket I needed, I don't know what I would've done without them. They forced me to get up every morning, get dressed, put on a smile and rock the day. They brought me joy in my darkest times and although they will never know this, but I needed them more than they needed me. 

And then there were my friends. Oh how blessed I am to be surrounded by such an amazing group of people. Again, I don't know what I would've done without them. They picked me up when I was on the ground, cried with me, cursed with me, cheered me up, took me out when I needed to get out of the house, brought me meals, took care of my kids when I needed a break, checked in on me each and every day to make sure I was doing okay and showed up whenever I needed them, day or night. Seriously, they were, and are incredible. When I was served divorce papers, all I had to do was send one message, and they all showed up that night, with wine and food, advice and curse words. I love them. They are the best. 

So here I am, about a year into this shit show that is now my life and I'm feeling all kinds of emotions. Sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, hate, love, discouragement, hope, happiness, shame. Yes, I'm ashamed that I'm about to be 38 years old and have to check that stupid box that says "divorced". This is not the life I wanted for my kids or myself, the life I imagined we would have. I don't want them to grow up with divorced parents. For me, marriage is forever and I would've worked through this until we came out on the other end. Unfortunately, the decision wasn't mine to make. 

I could keep writing this post for hours, because there is so much to say, but I'll leave you with this.

I am blessed and I am grateful. I still have a beautiful life and I have my amazing kids and incredible friends. I am not alone. I'm healthy, my kids are healthy, we have enough food on the table and a roof over our heads. That is more than a lot of people can say. 

I hope that one day I can find love again, heck, I even hope that one day I can have another baby. Sounds ridiculous, but you know what? I don't care. I might be a single mom with two little kids that is about to turn 38 (anyone else hear my biological clock ticking???), but there is a hope and this hope can bring me through a rough day. I'm taking it day by day, some days, even hour by hour, but I'm choosing happiness for my boys and I know we'll be okay. We will be better than okay.

If you have any questions, feel free to comment below, I'm an open book. If you don't have anything nice to say, please keep it to yourself, because I'm an emotional wreck, so take it easy on me. Ha! 

So there you have it, no more pictures of Katie...but I'm sure you didn't come to my blog for those anyway...LOL.