Another day, another negative pregnancy test

My heart is heavy today, after staring at negative pregnancy tests for the last three days. Just waiting for that second line to show up, but it never does. I haven't taken a home pregnancy test in over four years, but when I did, all the feelings came rushing back from a time in my life that almost broke me. I've seen so many of these tests and it always happens the same way. I stare at them, I hold them up to the light, trying to make out a second line that isn't there, throw them in the trash, just to take them out of the trash again an hour later to check again.
My blood draw isn't until tomorrow, but I have no doubt in my mind that the results will be the same.

During our last cycle in February, I didn't test at home, but hearing the bad news from that rude nurse was so hard on me, that I decided I had to get the answers on my own terms and in my own time. Now all I want to do is move on, but they won't let me do that until the blood test. Which means, I'm still taking four different, expensive medications three times a day that prevent me from having my period, which is required to get on another schedule. 

This cycle was long and it was so much different than what I have done before. It started back in July and looking back it felt like a cluster f***. Ovulation tests, shots, pills, patches, more pills, lozenges, vaginal inserts, more pills. I don't know what they had going on there, but I just went along for the ride and trusted that they knew what they were doing. The meds made me tired and dizzy, which was much better than the last round of side effects, but still not pleasant.
I even changed my lifestyle three months ago in order to prepare my body for the best possible outcome. I, the queen of carbs and sugar, started eating healthy and I have been on a strict eating and workout plan every single day for three months. I lost 11lbs and felt better than I have in years, which is great, because I ate crap my entire life and definitely something I will continue to do. 

After my last transfer was cancelled because of low estrogen levels, they had told me that I had to wait like six weeks until we could try again. I was shocked when I got my new schedule and it was only three weeks later.
My second embryo transfer took place on October 16th. At this point, all the excitement that comes with it the first time you do this is gone, but deep down you still hope that this is it and you will never have to see the transfer room again. My mother in law came with me because I needed a driver and Katie was unavailable because we had a Show that week and my mother in law thought it was so special and amazing.
Even the doctor was a little more pleasant than usual, which was probably due to the fact that my mother in law is a chatty Kathy and he had no other choice. Either way, it was nice to see a little bit of a different side of him.

We transferred another AB embryo, saw him going into the uterus and then I laid down in the recovery room for another hour, while we watched Harry Potter on their TV.

Bed Rest was glorious as usual and I guess the silver lining of every negative pregnancy test is, that I will get another day of bedrest in the future, however, this is a very expensive day of rest. At this point, we have drained our "baby making fund", but I guess you have to do what you got to do, which in our case means dipping into my emergency fund. This sucks, but whatever. It took $50,000 to get pregnant with Fox...ouch!

I have so many questions for the doctor and I already emailed them to my nurse, but knowing this clinic, they would want us to come in for a stupid 10 minute consultation so they can charge us $200 to get some vague answers.
I overthink everything, so now I'm wondering about genetic testing again, wondering what went wrong, wondering if my body is getting too old for pregnancy, wondering where to go from here.
Wondering if we will do a different protocol, if this was just bad luck and how long we will try until something new will be suggested.

I know I will never know why this try (and the last one) didn't work. If it was an abnormal embryo, if it was my body, if it was something I did or didn't do...I will never know. What I do know is, that everything happens for a reason and this embryo wasn't supposed to be our baby. It wasn't our time yet. One day, it will all make sense.

What's left is a feeling of sadness for those little embryos that didn't make it. If you have never done IVF, then this will probably sound stupid to you, but if you did, you know what I mean. These embryos, all 14 of them, were my children, and even though I'm not biologically related to them, I feel like they are a part of me. Every time I pass by the fertility clinic, I smile, knowing that somewhere in there are our babies, frozen in time. Fox's twins.

One day, they will pick the right one, the one that's meant to be, the one that's stubborn enough to hang on and become part of our crazy family.
I hope this day comes soon, but if not, I know I'm strong enough to go through this again. One day we will have another baby, one way or another.