TTC Update

This post could also be titled "How to waste hundreds of dollars and gain heartache by not following directions”.
Well actually, I didn’t get all of the directions, but I digress. 

Next week should’ve been my next embryo transfer. After our last attempt in February resulted in a negative pregnancy test, September was our first opportunity to try again, because apparently traveling and pregnancy doesn’t work in the infertility world.
I remember being so frustrated when I found out, because come on, September was 7 whole months away, but there wasn’t another choice.

So once again, I had my heart set on a month, that ultimately wouldn’t work out. I counted the days down, calculated my “due date”, planned a pregnancy announcement…you name it, I did it. Heck, I even planned out the glorious day of bed rest I would get and I was so freaking excited about it…if you’re a mom, you’ll understand! Ha!

I started medication at the beginning of August and took a mix of Estrogen pills and Lupron shots that I gave myself in my stomach every night. It was so weird doing this again. I haven’t given myself a shot in four years (although I had given shots to other people) and that first time took a lot of courage, but after that it was just like riding a bike.

I had no indication that anything was wrong until yesterday morning, when I started bleeding. I was a little surprised, because I didn’t think I was going to have my period while on medication, but figured it would be fine. Today was my pre-transfer ultrasound and bloodwork and when I mentioned my bleeding, all hell broke lose. All of the sudden there were three people in the room with me and they all had concerned faces, asking me all kinds of questions to figure out what I did wrong.
The ultrasound showed that my lining was crappier than it had ever been, 3mm, when it was supposed to be over 8mm at this point, which is when the entire cycle got called off. The doctor told me they had to look at the labs this afternoon to see what was going on, because he didn’t have an explanation for what was happening. 

Of course I was super disappointed and also confused about the news, wondering what was going on and if my body was failing me. Was I getting too old? I guess I should’ve felt a sense of relief when I got the news from the nurse this afternoon that it was basically all my fault. 

Turns our that my estrogen levels were extremely low, even though I had been taken estrogen pills three times a day. The nurse explained that this could have three reasons:

1. I missed a pill – that didn’t happen

2. I took old estrogen pills – guilty as charged…although to my defense, I only took the ones I had leftover from February and they weren’t expired

3. I didn’t store the pills correctly and left them in the heat. I first denied this, but after the call I started to think about it and yes, I kept a bottle of pills in my purse and I did leave my purse in the hot car on multiple occasions, like when I drop off or pick up Fox from school or when we went to a play place last week and I didn’t want to keep an eye on my purse. 

I don’t know if this is common knowledge and I should’ve known better, because honestly, why wouldn’t I be able to take pills that are not expired and you can’t leave medication in the car? Anyone knew this? It doesn’t say it on the bottle or the prescription information that came with the bottle and no one told me, but maybe I should’ve been smarter than that?

Either way, I’m mad as hell at myself for screwing up my own cycle. The cycle I’ve been waiting for for the last seven months. It makes me sick to my stomach just to think about it.
My head tells me all the reasonable responses to this situation: It wasn’t our time... everything happens for a reason... at least we didn’t lose another embryo... at least it’s not another failed transfer... mistakes happen-don’t beat yourself up…yadayadayada.

But my heart wants to scream and cry and be mad at myself because how can someone be so irresponsible when there is so much on the line? I’ll let my head win this one and hopefully my heart will follow suit in a few days and I’ll get over it. 

So here we are, back in limbo, which is my least favorite place to be. A place where you don’t know what the plan will be and where you go from here.

All I know is that I need to continue my estrogen pills (preferably a batch that is new and hasn’t been in the Phoenix heat..haha) and take another medication to induce a full on period, which is when I’m supposed to call them for further instructions. The next transfer is at least 6 weeks away, but possibly longer, depending on their scheduling and what they have available. 

So not only did I waste six weeks, I also wasted hundreds, if not close to a thousand dollars on medication that did absolutely nothing for me. Well wait, it did give me some good bruises on my stomach and made me tired, so we can officially call this a lose-lose situation.

It’s not the end of the world, six weeks is nothing compared to the 7 months I just waited. Even though I THINK we have figured out what the culprit of this failed cycle was (me), I hope that there isn’t an underlying issue going on and that the next try will be smooth sailing. They will closely monitor my estrogen levels, which they have never done before and might even give me some patches instead of pills to boost them, but we’ll see.

Having to deal with that clinic for even longer is probably one of the worst parts. They were super rude and condescending to me today, but unfortunately it’s the place where our remaining 13 babies are stored, so we are stuck with them until our family is complete.

Until then, I will try to enjoy this crazy rollercoaster ride and know it will all work out.