Christmas 2019

This is a real life post.

Christmas was hard. Leading up to Christmas was hard. And for the first time ever I was glad when it was over. 

There are many things that are heartbreaking about the process of divorce, but not being able to spend all of the holidays with my kids was probably the worst one yet. 

Although truthfully, this past Christmas was probably a cake walk compared to what is coming this year, because I didn't have them for Christmas Eve until 8pm, but I got them at 8 and had them all of Christmas Day. This year it will be flipped and I'm getting sick just thinking about it. 

Christmas Eve Day was actually much easier than anticipated. I stayed on the couch pretty much all day, watched TV, worked and relaxed. I went to church all by myself and it felt good. 

The thing is, we always had Christmas Eve at Katie's mom's house and this year was no difference. I loved being there and celebrating with everyone.

And yes, I was invited, but I couldn't get myself to go because Katie was bringing her new girlfriend and I was so not ready for that. It made me very sad, but you know when they say on an airplane to put your own oxygen mask on first before your kids's? That's exactly what I was doing. I was taking care of myself and my own emotions around this new girlfriend and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it and that it wouldn't be healthy for me to go. 

And at 8pm, I could take a deep breath, hug my boys and do all the Christmas Eve things with them.

Like putting out milk and cookies for Santa.

And reading the Night before Christmas...

followed by taking pictures of my sleeping angels while "Airplane the Elf" said goodbye to them.

What I didn't realize and never anticipated was that Christmas day was actually sooooo much harder than Christmas Eve.

There's something very sobering about having to fill your own stocking and having no one to share these precious moments, of the boys seeing that Santa came, with. 

This must have been Fox's favorite present. He saw this "comfy critter" on a commercial and obviously wanted the Fox one. Funny enough, this one was called "Finn the Fox". 

At 10am, Katie's parents, step grandma and stepbrother came over for a couple of hours to see the boys open their presents. I was so grateful for them joining us, if only for a short amount of time. I invited her other set of parents as well, but they declined. And yes, I would've invited Katie as well, but she made it clear that she was going to spend it with her girlfriend.

I got Finn this little car, but it turns out that Fox likes it more than him.

They left at noon and it was just us. I planned some things to do with the boys (well, mainly Fox) to make it more special, like watching his favorite Christmas movie and building a Gingerbread house, but it broke my heart when I heard him say:

"I just wish that Christmas would be the way it used to be, with everyone here. It just feels different!"

I couldn't have said it better myself. It felt strange. And sad. But I put on a smile on my face...at least until Katie's brother called me unexpectedly to wish me a merry Christmas and I realized he was on his way to his Grandma's house to meet the rest of the family. I completely broke down (in private, the boys didn't see me), because I was upset about what I had lost and also so touched that he would think of me and made the effort to call me. 

When it got dark, I decided to pack up the boys, get some hot chocolate for Fox and go see Christmas lights in our pajamas.

I decided it was time to make new memories, establish new traditions and yes, it will feel different and strange for a while, but one day it won't and I hope that one day we will be part of another extended family. And if not, that's okay too. Because we have amazing friends and most of all, we have each other. 

So there you have it. Not your typical Christmas post, but I like to be transparent on this blog and share the good and the bad. And I know one day I will be able to look back on this day and smile, because I will be in a much better place (emotionally) and I will miss my boys being so little.