January 11, 2015


Today, I'm feeling like a failure. In fact, I've been feeling like this for many weeks now. 
Motherhood is hard and I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

The last couple of weeks have left me exhausted and drained, both physically and emotionally. 
We've all been sick and I've been trying to survive on short stretches of sleep. Taking care of a baby, WHILE WORKING in the office, while being sick, is no joke. It's becoming all a little overwhelming for me. We're getting a full time nanny in one month, so I know there's light at the end of that tunnel, but my heart hurts all at the same time, thinking about being away from my boy every day, all day. 

I guess it all started out when Fox started to teeth, back in November. He got six teeth since then, one after the other. I don't think I got more than a two hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep since. And since he's up basically every hour all night long, I figured the easiest thing to do is to have him sleep in our bed, which has been a blessing and curse all at the same time. A blessing, because I don't have to get up a million times in the middle of the night, but instead, I'm being kicked in the face and sleeping on 10 inches of the bed, because he's crowding my space. 

Bedtime and naps are becoming more and more difficult. He just screams and screams, and I try to figure out what's wrong with him (is he hungry? is he still in pain because he's sick? is he teething?), while Katie thinks he is just throwing a fit. 
Hearing him scream hurts my heart and oftentimes I cry with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like we failed him. We should have figured this sleeping thing out by now. He should be sleeping in his own room and be able to sleep longer than 2 hour stretches. I'm so tired. Shouldn't he?
I need us to all get better. 

And then there's the food. The kid doesn't like anything. We tried so many things in the last two months, but he refuses to eat anything. Some days, he'll eat a few bites of banana, but that's about it. What are we doing wrong? Did we start him too late? Is he not ready yet? Are we giving him the wrong things?

I just don't know. I'm trying to make excuses for his changed attitude. Oh, he's teething. Oh, he's sick. He must be hungry. He must be in pain. 
But is this it? Or have we created a monster who relies on us to put him to bed just the way he wants to? 

All I know is that I feel like shit. I feel like a failure. I feel tired, drained, an inadequate mother, wife and employee. 
Motherhood is hard. It's so worth it, but boy, it is hard!


  1. Motherhood I'd HARD!!! And just when you get it figured out the kids always up & change the game, it's a good thing they come out so cute, lol...
    Regarding teething & sleep, see if you can get your hands on Camilia. I was only able to find it at Walgreens but it is sold online also. The night time instructions on the box work like a charm. I know some people aren't comfortanle with them but we used Amber necklaces & they cut down the crankiness significantly. You could wrap it around his ankle if you aren't comfortable with a necklace. None of our boys ever messed with theirs until they were over 2 years old & teething was pretty much done by then.
    You're a fantastic mom, if it's hard then you are doing it right!
    I hope you all feel better soon

  2. Liebe Nadine,
    es ist hart, aber es ist auch das größte Geschenk was du haben kannst. :)

    Mir ging es im ersten Jahr unserer Tochter auch so wie dir. (Ich hatte wohl eine längere Babybluesphase...) Die Geburt und der KH Aufenthalt (14Tage Intensivstation) waren schon nicht so "traumhaft" wie zb in den Büchern oder von Freundinen. Im ersten Jahr gehst du oft nur von "ist sie krank?" "hat sie Hunger?" zu "Blähungen?" "Zähne?" zu "Wachsen?".
    Amelie ist heute 3 Jahre und sie ist mein größtes Geschenk. :) Ich denke an euch, wünsche euch gute Nerven. :)
    Ich liebe sie, wenn sie zu mir sagt "Du bist die beste der Welt!" Und sie schläft im Moment auch ein wenn sie es will, meist nicht mal in ihrem Bett, sondern in unserem, oder sogar auf der Couch! :D

    Gibts bei euch sowas wie Osteopathen? Da waren wir mal mit ihr, mussten 3x hin, da sie ein Kaiserschnittkind ist, und sie dadurch "Blokaden" im Genick hatte. Danach muss ich sagen war es echt besser, sie hatte vorher immer so Schreiphasen abends über 3 Stunden.

    Lg Kerstin

    (Ich hoffe ich habe die richtigen Themen getroffen, ich bin zwar nicht schlecht in Englisch aber bestimmte Sachen tue ich mich schwer.) ;)

  3. Liebe Nadine,
    ich hab kein Baby und ich kann dir auch keinen guten Rat geben, aber so wie du dein Baby liebst kannst du nichts falsch gemacht haben. Mach dir keine solchen Sorgen, du kriegst das schon hin, jeder hat mal schwierige Phasen.
    Kopf hoch, das wird schon! :)

  4. Don't feel bad. It is all part of the game.
    Re full-time work & being a mother - It is very tough and I wonder how anyone manages to do it. I work part-time on a flex schedule and still find it tough. So you may feel inadequate, but I am sure you are doing a great job. Would it be possible to take sick leave if you feel really bad? Obviously work culture is different in the US, but given you work with family I am sure your co-workers understand your situation?
    Re food - Some babies seem to be good eaters whilst others are not. I would put this down to luck rather than certain circumstances. Anything sweet (pumpkin/carrot/banana) works well for us. Also dried mango/pineapple/ cantaloupe cut lengthwise to suck on are a big hit. I could imagine though that a teething baby is not too keen on trying out new textures and tastes since his gums are sore.

  5. I have heard boobsicles (breastmilk popsicles) are great for teething. Not sure if you still pump and/or breastfeed.
    Also Amber teething necklaces work wonders for some babies.
    To love and care for a baby is never wrong, you are doing a great job!

  6. Btw if you have the time and are interested, there are a lot of baby vloggers on youtube. They share their whole experience with having babies and also review things they tried.
    Vloggers I personally like are:
    Candidmommy (her kids are a bit older)

  7. You are not a failure! Not at all! Motherhood is the hardest thing ever. I'm a stay at home mom so I can't even imagine how hard it must to work AND take care of a baby.
    He is a baby, he needs you. He's not manipulating you or anything. If he's crying it's for a reason. Sometimes it might be that he's just lonely and scared and needs you. You are right, you never really know. And it's so hard.
    I never wanted to have our kids in our bed. And with my first I tried everything to not make it happen. She was only allowed to sleep in our bed when she was sick. The other nights I rocked her to sleep. Every single night and after every nursing session during the night. It was so hard on me and know I don't even know why I did it and why I didn't take her into our bed. Because when our second baby was born, they both ended up in our bed anyways. lol. I couldn't get any sleep otherwise. So all the long nights, trying to get her to sleep in her room where for nothing. You will get use to the kicking during the night, believe me. And you will get use to sleeping on tight space. Do you guys have a king size bed?
    There is nothing bad, if your baby doesn't sleep in it's own room. You don't sleep alone in a room either, don't you? ;)
    And about the food. Don't stress about it. Before 1 year, solids are just for fun. They don't need it. Fox is perfectly fine if he only gets breast milk. That's all he needs. Again, my first one... she was like Fox, she didn't want any solids. She never took any purees and would not eat from a spoon. I started Baby Led Weaning when she was 8 months old and that's when she started do eat tiny amounts. But really she was more playing with food than anything else. Chewing on bread, soft cooked apples, carrots, beef, you name it. She was happy just to chew on something while we were eating. But she was still nursing constantly. I thought this is not right, all her friends where eating tons of solids. But it was fine I know that now. She didn't need it. She started eating way more when she was about 17 months old. Before that breastmilk was still her main source of nutrition.
    All I can say is, it will get better. He will start to sleep longer and he will start to eat. It will take time. He won't be little forever. It will get better trust me. You are doing great! Keep up the good work Mama. :)

  8. hast du mal geguckt, ob er gerade einen Entwicklungsschub durchmacht? In Englisch heißen die glaube ich Wonder Weeks (gibt sowohl eine deutsche als auch englische App dazu - oh je ich wachse ist die deutsche). Vielleicht hilft dir das etwas :-)

    Viele Grüße,


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