Today, I'm feeling like a failure. In fact, I've been feeling like this for many weeks now.
Motherhood is hard and I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.
The last couple of weeks have left me exhausted and drained, both physically and emotionally.
We've all been sick and I've been trying to survive on short stretches of sleep. Taking care of a baby, WHILE WORKING in the office, while being sick, is no joke. It's becoming all a little overwhelming for me. We're getting a full time nanny in one month, so I know there's light at the end of that tunnel, but my heart hurts all at the same time, thinking about being away from my boy every day, all day.
I guess it all started out when Fox started to teeth, back in November. He got six teeth since then, one after the other. I don't think I got more than a two hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep since. And since he's up basically every hour all night long, I figured the easiest thing to do is to have him sleep in our bed, which has been a blessing and curse all at the same time. A blessing, because I don't have to get up a million times in the middle of the night, but instead, I'm being kicked in the face and sleeping on 10 inches of the bed, because he's crowding my space.
Bedtime and naps are becoming more and more difficult. He just screams and screams, and I try to figure out what's wrong with him (is he hungry? is he still in pain because he's sick? is he teething?), while Katie thinks he is just throwing a fit.
Hearing him scream hurts my heart and oftentimes I cry with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like we failed him. We should have figured this sleeping thing out by now. He should be sleeping in his own room and be able to sleep longer than 2 hour stretches. I'm so tired. Shouldn't he?
I need us to all get better.
And then there's the food. The kid doesn't like anything. We tried so many things in the last two months, but he refuses to eat anything. Some days, he'll eat a few bites of banana, but that's about it. What are we doing wrong? Did we start him too late? Is he not ready yet? Are we giving him the wrong things?
I just don't know. I'm trying to make excuses for his changed attitude. Oh, he's teething. Oh, he's sick. He must be hungry. He must be in pain.
But is this it? Or have we created a monster who relies on us to put him to bed just the way he wants to?
All I know is that I feel like shit. I feel like a failure. I feel tired, drained, an inadequate mother, wife and employee.
Motherhood is hard. It's so worth it, but boy, it is hard!