Being a mom is hard. If you are a mom, I’m sure you already know that.
I have been really struggling lately and most days I go to bed feeling like a failure. Thinking I could’ve done better, could’ve done more, could’ve had more patience. I’ll always tell myself that tomorrow, I will do better.
Tomorrow, I will be the best mom that I can be, the best wife, the best daughter, the best friend, the best employee. But then tomorrow comes, and somewhere between lunch and dinner, I will drop a ball. Or two. Sometimes even all of them. And then I beat myself up for not being able to handle it all. Or not handle it the way I would’ve liked to. Mom Guilt at its finest.
I thought everyone feels like this every once in a while, so I talked to Katie about my feelings and asked her if she ever felt like a bad mom and she said no, she never feels like that.
Most days I feel like I have too much on my plate. I start work at 5am, hoping Fox will sleep until at least 6:30am so I can get my work done, take care of him until it is time to leave at 7:30, go to work again, run errands, spend more time with Fox and by the time he goes to bed (which has been later and later these days), it is time for me to work on my Etsy Shop and get my orders out in time, until I collapse into bed and the entire day starts over again.
There is no “me time” during the week and hardly any on the weekend. Maybe moms don't get "me time" anymore? It's something you just have to hand in when you enter the delivery room. My “me time” consists of working on Etsy Orders, which seems like a hobby, but has (thankfully) developed into a second job that has kept me really busy and will also enable me to stay home part time whenever we have a second child. So cutting back is not an option, as I’m working hard toward my dream of staying home, at least part time. And somewhere in between all of that, I plan parties, try to keep our laundry at bay and the house somewhat organized. Which, in all truth, is the ball I’m most likely to drop first.
Most nights, my dinner consists of whatever Fox didn’t eat from his plate, if the dog didn’t take it before me.
I feel burned out and overwhelmed and I have no idea how to get better.
I never feel like I’m doing enough, or even making the right decisions. If Fox watched more than 20 minutes of TV a day, I feel guilty. If he didn’t eat a good meal (which he never does), I feel guilty. If I didn’t rock him long enough before bed and he cries for me, I feel guilty. If I rock him too long and I don’t get my work done because of it, I feel guilty. If he doesn’t care that I leave for work and rather plays with Hannah, I feel guilty. I know that should be a good thing and I’m glad he loves her so much, but it makes me feel like I’m not fun enough, or I’m spending too much time at work. If I take the easy parenting way and “give in” (to whatever he wants that moment…carrying him, helping him get his shoes off when he could be doing that himself, allowing him to eat a snack when dinner is an hour away), I feel guilty. There really is no winning.
I know, I am really fortunate. I have everything I ever wanted in life and more (well, I guess besides that stay at home mom gig I always dreamed about). I have some very close friends who are going through some hard medical diagnosises with their children and I know I’m fortunate. We are happy, healthy, have jobs that we like, a roof over our heads, family that loves us, friends that support us, and so much more.
I’m not complaining. If anything, maybe this post will help someone who feels the same way to know they are not alone. Because for me, I know that it always makes me feel better when I hear that someone else faces the same struggles and it’s totally normal.
For now, I will just keep juggling my balls, hoping to not drop any important ones. And if I do, then I’ll hope that I can pick them up right away and start over.
Who cares about a messy house, when I have to make sure that I raise this sweet little boy into a decent and kind human being who hopefully will eat some vegetables one day?
Motherhood is still the best, guilt and all. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Motherhood is still the best, guilt and all. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
It is really really hard! But I think the moms that feel guilty and so busy are really doing the best job - because they care SO much. Be gentle with yourself. FORCE yourself to make time for you - because your kid needs to see that its important to value yourself. And the more you feel better, the more patient and easy going you can be with others...at least that's what I'm finding. But the balance is SUPER hard! Hang in there! -Sarah
ReplyDeleteBeing a Mom is very hard! And you take care of Fox and the house plus you work two jobs. That is alot! I wouldn't be able to do all that. You are doing amazing. I feel like you are THE super mom! Because on top of eveything you listed you are also taking all these amazing pictures and you keep on writing your blog. How many hours does your day have? I think it has to have more hours then my day. ;)
ReplyDeleteMaybe try to cut back on work once a week. That you don't do any laundry or don't do your etsy shop that day. That way you might have more energy and feel better the next day? Or would that make you feel guilty that you didn't do your work?
You know it also sounds like you might have anxiety? What do you think? Did you ever talk to someone abut it? Doctor, therapist, psychologist? There's nothing bad about talking to someone.
I can tell you I waited way too long and I feel like I wasited two years of my life with my girls due to untreated depresion and anxiety. Sometimes it's good to talk to someone. I went to see a psychiatrist and I'm on a very low dose of antidepressants. I might have to take it for a year. But I can tell you it changed my world like I didn't think would be possible. I don't feel guilty about anything anymore or stressed out. I enjoy life. Live is finally good again. And it's a lot more comon than you think.
Just wanting to put it out there. And like I said you are doing an amazing job!!!