Testing Day

I had bought a three pack of pregnancy tests, so just like last time, I was planning on testing Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, with the blood test being on Wednesday. The day before I was planning to test, I felt sick to my stomach. Not physically sick, just emotionally. I didn’t want to test, I didn’t want to get more bad news, I didn’t know how my heart would handle it. But I had to know. It’s one thing to have one or two failed transfers, if every transfer is supposed to be a 60% chance of it working, but three? Something must have been clearly wrong with me then, right? We would have to make a new plan, but I didn’t know what that plan would look like. Would we just keep trying with the same protocol until we got a winner? I simply didn’t know, but my mind kept racing around the possibilities and choices we had to make. 

I told Katie, that I needed time to myself the next day. Time to take a nap and process the news, so I could throw myself a pity party without having to see anyone and get over it. 

The night before my test, I sat on the couch all by myself, staring at the beautiful lights of the christmas tree. And then I prayed. I didn’t pray for a positive test, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, that if it was negative, it wasn’t meant to be and it wasn’t our time yet. And while I wouldn’t understand the reasoning, I knew I would understand it one day. I always think about those 14 months it took to conceive Fox. If it had worked the first time around, I wouldn’t have this amazing little boy and I also wouldn’t have the friendships I made because all of our kids were born the same year. I knew that God had a plan for me and I had to trust in him to show me the way to it. So instead of praying for a positive pregnancy test, I prayed for strength, just as I did the night before I tested with Fox’s pregnancy. I also gave myself a huge pep talk. I knew I was lucky to be able to do IVF, I was lucky that we had so many embryos left, I was lucky that Katie volunteered to do it all over again, lucky to already have a child when others are still trying, lucky to have the money to try again. I had no control over what was happening, I just knew that my life might change forever the next day, or that I would go on to another round of the waiting game. A game I was very familiar with. Although, we had only done three cycles, it really felt like four, because I went through the medication and testing for the cycle that got canceled on me in September. 

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I was a nervous wreck, which was very different from the times before. My anxiety level was through the roof and I kept having dreams all night about two lines on that stick and kept waking up. 

At 5:45am, on Sunday, December the 3rd, I gave up on all sleep and got out of bed to pee on that damn stick. As usual, my hands were shaking like crazy and when I finished, I put the stick on the floor in front of me to watch it do its thing…and then Katie called me from the bedroom because Fox had woken up. What the hell, he never wakes up at 5:45am. I abandoned the stick on the floor since the three minute wait hadn’t passed anyway and went to check on Fox, who was telling me that Mommy had told him he could have fish sticks and chicken nuggets and he was hungry. Clearly a case of dreaming, but unfortunately he was wide awake at this point. I told him that it was still dark out and he needed to rest for a little while, so I went back to my bathroom, in hopes that he would be able to fall asleep for a little bit longer. 

I picked up the stick and there it was…a beautiful and very clear second line.

I couldn’t believe it! I dropped to my knees and thanked God for this miracle, which is when Katie informed me that Fox was calling for me again. You see, we take turns sleeping in on the weekends, so this was her day to sleep in, so I grabbed the test and went to get him. Before I left the bedroom, Katie asked me if I tested and I told her no because I felt that this wasn’t the right time with Fox yelling for me, plus I kind of had a little plan on how I was going to tell her if this cycle would work. 

I was so shocked. I kept staring at the lines, with the biggest smile on my face. I was pregnant, it had worked, I was really pregnant! Whoa…I was pregnant! 

I couldn’t wait for Katie to wake up and was soooo nervous! I had different ideas on how to tell her, but in all honesty, I didn’t put too much thought in it, because I figured it would either be negative or she would be there with me when I tested. I decided to put the test into one of her advent calendar buckets that she opened for a gift each day in December. When she finally woke up, I couldn’t wait to tell her. She asked me if I tested, I told her again no, that I was waiting for her, but that I want her to open her gift first because “Fox has been waiting for her to open it” (Haha). I thought she would see right through me and knew what was going on, but apparently she had no clue at all. 

Of course, I took a video of it, but before you watch it, there are two disclaimers:

• Katie had just woken up, so excuse her jammies and bed head, but she told me that I could share the video.
• We didn’t want to tell Fox quite yet, in case it was a chemical pregnancy or not viable, so we told him it was a special pen for mommy instead of having to explain what a pregnancy test was.

The entire day I walked around with the biggest smile on my face, I just couldn’t believe it. Today, as I’m writing this, over a week has passed, and I still can’t believe it. It’s such a miracle and I feel so grateful to be able to experience this again.